did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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