I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
It was like getting head from an anaconda
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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