Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
