so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
it's great music for shaving your balls
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
