id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It's shark week go big or go home
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
