I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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