I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
