I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
