I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
