She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
