Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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