I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Who died my cat blue again?
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