I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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