We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
