she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
