Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
