Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
