She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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