Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
