I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
