He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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