I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
