I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
