If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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