He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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