dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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