eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
