i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
