Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
