Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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