I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
