Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
