I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
