my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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