I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
