Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think my moral compass just broke
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