i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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