Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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