When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
