Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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