sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
