Princesses don't give blow jobs
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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