I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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