My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
