I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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