Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
