when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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