the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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