I have demons in me.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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