Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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