the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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