If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize