The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize