Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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