So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
