good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
