well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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