I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
